How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
