I think my vagina is haunted
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
