and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
