Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
