I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I don't deserve a penis
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
