oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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