I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
