No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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