I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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