your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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