I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
