i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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