I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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