It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
