i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
