I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We're too hungover to prance.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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