At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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