meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
