just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
