My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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