No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
