bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
