she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
