We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
