Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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