dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
