If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
