I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
