The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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