Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
