I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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