508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
