I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
my poor anus
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
