I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
