oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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