i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
