My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The struggles of a small town man whore
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
