The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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