do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
