I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
