I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I want a musical about memes.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
