I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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