Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
