planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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