maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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