A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
