I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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