Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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