i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
