You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Green mimosas i think yes
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
