I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Everclear isn't food dammit
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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