you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
